Marryin’ ‘Em Off
Pity my poor daughter. I didn’t arrange a marriage for her.
Or at least, that was the attitude she discovered when she attended a semester of school in India. The Indian girls of Samantha’s ripe old age of twenty (and most much younger) were already promised. Their parents had taken care of them.
Visiting Sam in India, I spent an afternoon in the company of parents who felt it a duty and an honor to explain to me the value of arranged marriages. Statistics actually show they are successful marriages. However, these Indian parents were preaching to the choir. If I could chose my son’s wife, I would have married him off long ago!
Throughout much of history, young men and women from families with suitable assets have had their marriages arranged for them. And there have always been those who would buck their parents’ wishes.
In HIS CHRISTMAS PLEASURE, my latest book, I play with the attitudes towards arranged marriages. Abby’s parents defied parental wishes and happily married for love–so why won’t they let her?
We know the answer. We must protect our children. (Can I confess now that I’m so over parenting? I have young adults. They didn’t listen much when they were younger and listen a bit better now–but it’s time for me.)
I’m not convinced that fate doesn’t play a huge hand in the decision of who we marry and what twists and turns that marriage may take. I’m not certain how it all works but life seems to happen exactly as it should.
And I do believe that each of us, whether our parents choose our mate or we do, wake up sometime within the first two weeks after a marriage and wonder what in the world have we done. You almost have to get to know a person all over again after you’ve married him. That commitment of ceremony and vows means something. It roots out preconceived notions, fears, and fantasies and hopefully leaves a stronger, more meaningful relationship in their place. Or not.
This is even true of marriages of convenience. I use this plot twist in many of my books but I think it plays equally well in contemporary settings. How many of us have married because we want to give a baby a father? Or find a need for a mate to help face the world? I saw quite of few of those types of marriages when I was in the Navy–and you know, many worked out. I have a theory that we never agree to marry anyone for whom we don’t feel at least a spark of attraction.
And what about you? Not every wedding story is rose petals and bridal gowns. There’s always a rub.
Did you jump into marriage without hesitation? Or was your mate someone your family approved of . . . maybe even nudged you toward? Comment and be entered to win a copy of HIS CHRISTMAS PLEASURE!
In HIS CHRISTMAS PLEASURE, Cathy Maxwell throws her heroine Abby Montross into the arms of a sexy silver-eyed Spaniard. Now that is the way to arrange a marriage! (P.S. Her daughter is currently planning her wedding to a wonderful young man. Her son is still at-large.)
HIS CHRISTMAS PLEASURE
Author: Cathy Maxwell
Publisher: Avon/HarperCollins
Pub. Date: November 30, 2010
ISBN-13: 978-0373296156
Retail: $7.99
Anything can happen at Christmas!
When her father threatens to marry Abigail Montross off to a man twice her age (and with thirteen children!), she decides to elope instead with the irresistibly handsome Baron de Vasconia. She knows all about his notorious reputation. He is the most seductive man in all of London, but he’s vowed to protect her, so she allows herself to be tempted into his bed, promising to guard her heart at all costs.
Andres believes he’s entered into nothing more than a marriage of convenience with a charming and very wealthy young woman. But the days—and nights—Abigail spends in his arms soon reform this rogue. He’ll do anything to gain her love—until they each discover the truth about the other and old wounds are revealed.
It’s the season of miracles and passion—when love not only awakens the senses but delivers the greatest gift of all . . .
At my hospital I work with a number of Indian nurses and physicians who have arranged marriages, most are very successful, most are the same age range. I think that’s a key thing, unlike in the older days when youngish women were promised to men twice their age (ick, I’d be eloping with a baron also!).
My family didn’t do any nudging with me and have always seemed to get along well with my hubby, so I guess I picked him out just fine on my own, smiles. Even after years together, there are still times with my husabnd when I wonder “who are you and where have you stashed my real husband”?
My family was eager to get me married off. While I was in college, my dad was matching me up with guys I wouldn’t even consider. I think my family was just afraid they would be stuck with an old maid.
My DH and I were classmates in HS, nothing more. He moved the end of our junior year. We went to college, graduated and I went into the Peace Corps and he into the Air Force. We met each other again after 7 years. He came to my cousins for dinner (he an her husband were stationed at the same base) and he took us all out the next night. A few weeks later, he stopped for a few hours at my parent’s on his way to his new assignment. 6 months later he came to the village I was assigned to in the Philippines and proposed. We had never really dated. I didn’t give him an answer until I got back to the States several months later. We hardly saw each other, he was in northern Maine and I in northern NY, and he was shipped out to the Vietnam war shortly after I got back. We got married and he was shipped out again 5 weeks later.
We probably knew each other about as well as many couple involved in arranged marriages. We knew we had similar interests and he is a really nice guy. There are worse things to base a marriage on. It certainly worked, we have been happily married for 38 years.
I have know several people from arranged marriages. Some have been happy unions and some I think they are just tolerating each other. Not too different from the marriages we arrange for ourselves. Most parents would have their children’s best interests in mind when they arrange for a spouse.
I got married at 17, and no, my mother wasn’t exactly thrilled. I went behind her back and got my birth certificate for the marriage license because she refused to give it to me. And I got my father to sign for me by telling him my mother wouldn’t let me (they were divorced). I was determined to have my way and I got it. I had graduated from school and was working full time, so I felt I was a responsible adult and should be able to do what I wanted. Was it a mistake? At the time, no, and I have my wonderful son to show for it, but the marriage only lasted six years.
I’m not married, but I would hope there would be no doubt in mind that he was the one. It would also be nice if my family approved of him.
My family didn’t push me into marriage but were happy when I told them I was getting married. I think they expected it though since for my mother anyway, when you were dating someone a certain period of time then that means you are serious.
I have yet to take the marriage leap, but I don’t think I would get married if I wasn’t sure he was the one.
My parents were an arranged marriage. Mom did not want to work and Dad wanted to stay in country. They were introduced by mutual friend . 45 years later there could not be a more a devoted couple than the two of them. Dad takes such good care of Mom it makes your heart sing.
My hubby is well-liked by my family but they didn’t pick him!
Having spent a good deal of time in SE Asia, and having known couples with arranged marriages, I can see how it can work. But both have to be committed to making the relationship successful, and the ones I’ve known have all hashed out expectations, etc. prior to the wedding. Also, the women have all had, to some degree, a choice — they weren’t just fobbed off on someone twice their age to settle a debt!
I’m not married, and I’m definitely not ready to get married, but when it’s time my family won’t be picking him. I think I’ll know I’m ready because I’ll finally stop questioning if I’m ready or care what anyone thinks about us 😉
Well, with my history of picking my own husbands (2…both ended in divorce), maybe I should let someone else do the picking for me should I ever decide to take that leap again…NOT! Great post today Cathy. Thanks for the giveaway.
My poor parents despaired because I couldn’t seem to deal with a guy for more than two weeks. I blame all the romance novels I was reading…they raised my standards. If I didn’t see at least a modicum of intelligence/caring in a guy in the first two weeks, I was outta there. It didn’t matter how hot he was. I needed someone I could talk to, too. When I met my husband in grad school, we knew within a week that this was IT. We were engaged six months later, but I gave my parents some time before they had to shell out any money for a wedding and waited two years more before we actually tied the knot. I’ve never been happier. And I’ve never questioned my decision (and neither did my dad, surprisingly, who always called me “fickle”).
Now I have a 4-year-old daughter who is gorgeous. And she will be chained to her bedroom desk until she’s 40. That way I won’t have to worry about the teenage and young adult boy-crazy stuff. *grin* Or maybe I will arrange a marriage for her (scheduled for when she’s 30, of course), so she can ignore all the other dating offers that are bound to come in. Hmmm…
I’d rather not comment on marriage as I was married twice and that’s enough! Interesting post and the book sounds like fun.
I am married twenty five years this year,to my wonderful husband. I wanted someone who I could be true friends with. The person you can tell all your secrets to, get angry with and laugh with all unconditionally. I was lucky! He is an exceptional father, friend and my hearts true desire. I feel very blessed!
I’m not married, but I was maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding 2 1/2 years ago…which lasted 4 months. It’s a long, messy, emotional story, so I’m going to forgo the details on here. She is now happily married (so far – it’s only been 6 weeks) and has a 1 year old daughter who is adorable.
In other wedding news, I have 3 ceremonies coming up this Spring (one of which I’m in). 4 friends got married this year. I’m at that age (mid-20s)…
I think arranged marriages sound so romantic, but I imagine the groom to be super handsome and fun and respectful. The perfect man, basically. In reality, I would balk at such a huge decision being made for me.
I chose my husband myself, though he did ask my dad for my hand. It is a funny story, when he called, my mom assumed he wanted to borrow money from them (not sure where she got that idea, perhaps his nervousness.) He was like- no, I don’t want your money, I want your daughter.
I’m not married but I wouldn’t just jump into marriage after only a few months or even a year.
I’m not married, but my parents would love to arrange my marriage! (I’m fairly certain theirs was). That being said, I’m glad I live here and not in Asia.
I’m not married, I hope to be relatively soon. I just have to find the one. My family is not at all concerned about me being single and they thankfully haven’t tried to set me up with somebody. I’m kind off picky and want to wait for the real thing.
I married at 18 and have been married 41 years. My parents weren’t thrilled but then they didn’t think girls should go to college so I figured that was my only option – I was very naive and came from strict parents. It has worked out but not without a lot of work lol. My grandparents had an arranged marriage (from Sicily) and were together over 50 years although she was allowed to turn down her first suiter – my grandfather was coming to American and in that she was very interested lol. My parents marriage was somewhat arranged with my mother marrying someone in the “family” per se lol. There’s was not an easy one either but they also stayed together for 50 years. I think a lot of times some people are raised to stick things out no matter what. Not saying that is good or bad but makes for longer lasting marriages.
As of yet, I am not married but I hope to change that soon. I have found the one we just have to decide to take the plunge. We’ve been together forever and my family loves him.
No jumping here. My DH and I dated for 7 years before we got married. We had a long distance romance during one of those years. That’s much too long to wait, IMO, but we were broke college students and he wanted to be financially secure before he said “I do”. Twenty years later, I’m still happily married.
My husband and I had a whirlwind courtship and married 4 months after we started dating. 7 years later we are still very happily married. 🙂
I proposed to my husband on our first date. 🙂 But when the time came, five years later, I actually had terrible cold feet. My mom did influence me, I think… we’re very close, and he was the first boyfriend of mine she’d ever liked. Next year will be the 25th anniversary of that first date, so thanks mom!
Where I live there is a large Turkish community who also arrange marriages for their daughters.
Many young men go back to Turkey to get their brides.
I’m afraid my parents and my husbands parents didn’t have anything to do with our marriage or even know about anything until I was together with him and already preggies…hehe!!!! and 32 years later, and eleven kiddies, I think we’ve proven that we made a good choice. 🙂
Valerie
in Germany
I jumped into marriage without hesitation. I got engaged to my now-husband after we’d been dating about six weeks. He’s someone my parents would not have chosen (we’re from very different cultural backgrounds) but they both heartily approved after they met him.
This was a great read, enjoyed it very much. I was married at 20, couple of decades later, we are still together. We were engaged when he got a teaching job out west, We decided to take the plunge, marry and head west. I felt like one of those historical western pioneer wives!
I’m not married, but I believe it’s just random luck if you find the right one or not. And it’s definitely the moment you stop looking that you find the one.
I think Fate leads us to our soul-mates. And sometimes, we don’t even know it.
Happily married to a man who spoils me rotten. When he did propose I almost ran the other direction for I had no intention of being married. Glad now he changed my mind. Can’t wait to read this story, Cathy, sounds like another winner.
Happy reading,
~Aliyah
I’m not married, but I would definitely want my family to approve as well. I am so close to my family that I value and trust their opinions, and I would never go for someone who doesn’t respect my parents and brothers and vice versa. I doubt I would go for an arranged marriage despite being intrigued by the idea, but my grandparents had an arranged marriage and they were quite happy together.
Your book sounds really good and I have added it to my TBR list. My folks liked my financee a lot. Still likes him. yeah
I married at 18 and divorced at 27. So I guess you could say I jumped in without hesitation.
I have always dated guys that my parents would like, but they also trust my judgment anyway. I feel that what is important in a long-term relationship in the level of commitment the couple have, whether arranged or not.
Of course, I wanted to bring back arranged marriages just so my parents could chose a wife for my brother. My mother is way better knowing people than my brother, or even my father, is.
My parents wrote to each other for a year before they ever met. When they did meet, they met May 4th, had one date and married May 11th. They were married 41 years before we lost Dad. The thing I remember most about their marriage is the laughter and the fun they had. They genuinely enjoyed each others company.
I went to graduate school with a young lady from India. She was a double major in opera and business. Got her MBA. Her family was of the Brahman caste and very wealthy. They arranged her marriage. Her groom attended UCLA and got a masters in engineering. When she told us her fiance was coming to visit and that they had been engaged since they were children, of course, we had to meet him. Let me tell you, her parents could arrange my marriage any day. He was tall, gorgeous, funny, sweet, intelligent and he adored her. They’ve been married for 20 years and are still terribly happy and terribly in love.
I married a man I loved. NOt really sure if my family approved or not. We did not really care. We will soon bemarried 34 years. hard to beleive.
I’m 24 and single, and not in any rush although my two sets of grandparents have been trying to get me to meet their various friends grandsons for a while now – and most recently my mom (the traitor) is trying to get me to meet someone she works with (yes, there is a long embarrassing story that goes with this, but I will refrain from going into it!).
However, whoever I do eventually end up with does need to get along with my family – especially my parents. We spend a lot of time together, and all around enjoy being with each other, and I am very similar to each of my parents in different ways. So if my guy doesn’t like them, I can’t see how he’d like me – and I also don’t want to feel uncomfortable bringing someone into the family that no one likes. I wouldn’t say that approval is all important – my parents can’t have that level of control, but fitting in or getting along is important. I could never just run off and get married – family is too important to me.
To my knowledge, no one in my family has had an arranged marriage (within the last few generations – before that I have no idea). I think it is an interesting concept, especially since you hear about so many arranged marriages that either ended up a love match or at least a great friendship.
We definitely did not jump into marriage. We dated for 8 years before we got engaged. Even though I knew him so well, though, I still experienced a small freakout after we got married, but it was a very short moment and I’ve been fine ever since.
I jumped into marrage and can’t say the family aproved, thats just life.
My husband and I were engaged for 11 years before we got married! It wasn’t until we bought a house and I got pregnant that we finally tied the knot! Yeah, I guess we worked backwards. But, I had no parents to push me and I didn’t want the big traditional wedding his mother tried planning for us. I’m stubborn and do things my own way. We were married in the living room of our new home, just like my grandparents did when they got married.
I enjoyed the post. As for marriage I probably should have let my parents arrange one for me. Married way to young the first time . As I have 2 divorces behind me now I’m happy being by myself. I have 7 grown children and they are the best of both marriages. 🙂
Carol L.
Lucky4750@aol.com
I was very picky and didn’t get married until I was 36. When I met my spouse, I knew after seeing him a few times that he was the one I’d been waiting for. My parents and family liked him a lot.
Still, we don’t agree on everything. If we did, we’d only need to be one person. 🙂
Marriage isn’t an easy state, but married people live longer. That’s something it’s got going for it. LOL!
“His Christmas Pleasure” sounds charming. I love Cathy’s books and I love Christmas books and I love romance. This book has it all.
Hi Cathy, what a great blog post! I don’t think it matters if people approve or not of who you want to spend the rest of your life with. As long as you love them it’s all that matters.
Your book looks so great, a perfect read for this festive season! 🙂
Jumped into it and no my family did not approve. Should of listened to my mom. LOL. Love your book cover and the story sounds wonderful.
My husband and I met at a wedding rehearsal 39 years ago. When we saw each other, we both stopped and stared at each other for a good minute or two. Everyone was talking. He asked me out the night of the wedding. Our dog, Sandy, who was a man-hater, barely growled at him when we sat down on the couch together. A couple of days later, both of our families were talking about AFTER we married. LOL! They weren’t wrong — we were married almost 14 months later.
Met in May when his car filled with friends followed me and my girlfriends to a Tupperware party! Started dating and got engaged that fall and married in February! I think by that time my parents were more relieved than worried since I had been out on my own since graduating from high school. We celebrated our 41st anniversary this year and I’m glad I followed my heart. PS: He was in the Navy when I met him and I think that my cooking was better than the mess hall – I think it was my cooking that captured and still keeps his heart!