How realistic is the contemporary virgin?
by Kat Latham
When I started reading romance *mumble mumble* years (okay, decades) ago, it was nearly impossible to find a heroine who’d had sex before meeting the hero. While this is completely understandable and realistic in historical romance, it’s always seemed curious to me that contemporary adult women were virgins.
Most of them not just virgins but about as inexperienced as I was at 14. (That is, not experienced at all).
As a teenager, I enjoyed reading about women who were a decade older but just as inexperienced as me. Considering I went to a religious high school, I knew sex would remain a vicarious experience for many years, and I’d probably end up like those heroines. Watching their long wait pay off with a hot man made me happy not to experiment with fumbling teenage boys.
I was also surrounded by messages from other forms of media telling me it wasn’t normal for teenagers to be virgins. TV, music, films—they all made me feel my friends and I were strange, while romance novels encouraged me that good things come to those who wait.
A couple of decades later, readers tend to complain when an adult heroine is a virgin. It seems unrealistic. Or perhaps it’s offensive to subject heroines to centuries-old double standards that real-life women are finally shattering.
But how realistic are contemporary adult virgins? According to the U.S. national Youth Risk Behavior Survey in 2009, 46% of 9th-12th graders have had sex. That number was down from 54% in 1991 (around the time I started reading romance). A majority of girls are reaching adulthood as virgins.
But then, of course, there’s college.
Even though they tend not to be virgins, most contemporary heroines are far from being very experienced. They’ve often had one or two partners who didn’t satisfy them. And many have abstained from sex for over a year.
So how realistic is this? Another national sex study, which looked at the sexual behaviors of Americans aged 14-94, asked women and men whether they’d had vaginal intercourse in the past year. 87% of women aged 25-29 said they had. The number goes down as women get older (see this graph). I’m guessing the percentage of romance heroines in that age group who have had sex in the last year is much lower.
Finding heroines who have extensive sexual experience is rare, but this year at least one of the contemporary novels up for a RITA award features a heroine who has quite a past. I haven’t read Lead Me On by Victoria Dahl yet, but I’ve ordered it (along with all the other contemporary single title finalists) and can’t wait to see how different the heroine is.
What do you think about virgin women in contemporary romance? Do you think they reflect real-women’s sexual experience? If not, do you want them to? Comment and enter to win one of The Season’s 10 Star Topper books, THE WELCOME HOME GARDEN CLUB by Lori Wilde.
Kat Latham has been reading romance for a couple of decades. With degrees in English lit and human rights, she loves stories that reflect the depth, humor and emotion of real life. When she’s not writing contemporary romance novels, she can usually be found blogging or tweeting overly personal information. She loves meeting other readers and writers online, so follow her on Twitter or check out her blog and say hello!
I think being a Virgin makes the first time and finding that perfect hero so much better. I think more women are virgins, or at least inexperienced before they find that special someone. I’m not sure it has to do with religion or the crazy magintude of diseases out there today.
Pamela Clare’s, Naked Edge features a heroine who is a virgin and it worked. I loved her character. On the flipside, Dahl’s Lead Me On, as you mention, has a very sordid past, and it worked as well because her character arc revolved around this fact. I loved this heroine, too. Anything can be made plausible if well written & well plotted.
I just fininshed a book “orange Mint & Honey” which was an excellent read. It was a contemporary read about a woman who had to grow up fast because her mom was an alcoholic. She was a 25 year old virgin not because she was saving herself but because it just didn’t happen.
I agree if the story is written well the fact that they are or aren’t virgins doesn’t matter.
Love & Hugs,
Pam
Courtney Milan’s latest book has a non-virgin heroine, and I’m writing an early Victorian historical right now with a non-virgin heroine. There are definitely parts about writing my lead character’s past that make me cringe and will probably make the editors gasp. But vital records statistics show that a good proportion of children born, even in that era, came along before a good 9.5 months of marriage, so I think the historical virgin scenario is also up for debate.
It depends on how the story is written. Some who wanted to wait or it did not happen is fine. If they did have sex that is fine too. Men are not the only ones who can have fun. Why can’t women have lovers just as men? Being a virgin or having sex does not take away from who the person is. However it may give the heroin more depth. Too me it does not matter.
I don’t think it really matters if a woman is a virgin in contemporary romance, but it’s always fun to read about a virgin’s first experience. As to reflecting a real woman’s sexual experience, I think it depends on the woman, her age, and the men she has had in her life. As far as my wanting to apply to women in real life, to me, it is fiction, so it doesn’t really matter one way or the other.
It seems to still be a general 50/50 split of those women who wait and those who wanted to experience the physical side to relationships at a younger age. I don’t really think it matters in the books that I read so long as it is in character with the heroine.
I don’t think it really matters in books as long as the book is well written.
It doesn’t really matter to me one way or the other. I find it more difficult when reading a contemporary that a woman has no experience what so ever – if a virgin, she still must know how to pleasure herself, honestly, she didn’t live in a box her whole life and everything in our culture is sex based, so for her to be completely naive is too far fetched for me.
I just finished reading a book where this happened actually. And I like it. Of course, part of me stopped and wondered if this was realistic, but it was. If you looked at the heroine’s background you understood why she was a virgin and why it was so important to her relationship with the good, but rather possessive hero. And it was sweet. I have to agree with Quilt Lady. As long as it’s well written and there’s an obvious reason why she was a virgin – not completely oblivious to sex, of course, just still physically innocent – than it actually appeals more as a whole to me.
Interesting article. To me, it doesn’t really matter if the heroine is a virgin or not. It depends on the storyline and the circumstances surrounding her.
I am fine with contemporary romance having virgin heroines. As long as the storyline is good it works for me.
I happen to know a 27 year old who is and she can’t find a boyfriend for the life of her!! She smart and beautiful but puts that beyond all else. She actually got engaged to someone quite quickly who was as religious and found out in the nick of time that he was pedophile! So not saying it’s impossible but in this day and age, it is rare. Personally, I think both parties should know what they want when they consider a lifetime of marriage!
It may not be totally realistic to have an older virginal character in contemporaries, but I always enjoy reading a book that has a little different slant on things. I actually would prefer a story like this over one that features a sexually promiscuous woman.
It seems like I’m reading more historicals that feature heroines who aren’t virgins. You make a good point about contemporaries. I agree with other commenters that if the character is well-written, anything can work. But I would wonder about an older virgin in a contemporary, unless she was created with a specific moral or religious reason at work.
If it is a contemporary romance and the FMC is a virgin, then the older she is, the more necessary it is for the writer to explain why she has never had sex. If she’s in her early twenties, it hardly matters at all. But as the character gains life experience, it would be unusual for sex to be an experience that was skipped unless there was a specific reason.
The rough draft I just finished includes a FMC who has very limited sexual experience. Like catslady said, there are beautiful, smart, great women out there (and men!) who simply cannot or have not yet found that person to share that level of intimacy.
As long as there is a reason, then a heroine with limited sexual experience isn’t that jarring to read. Who has time to date anymore?
BTW, this book prize promises to be another wonderful story from Lori Wilde. This is the 4th book in her Twilight series. If you like small town romances, endearing characters, and heart-tugging plots, then I recommend that you read this series. 🙂
As long as it fits with the story and is well written it doesn’t really matter to me.
I grew up in the 1960’s and I think it’s great to have a virgin in a contemporary book. Needless to say when I was a teenager morals weren’t neccesarily a “virtue”. I think today more than ever that it’s important for “young people” to get to know who they are and what they really want out of life before making that type of commitment. I think that it can be done not only in historical romance but in contemporary romance as well. It all comes down to the content of the story and what’s appropriate to the circumstances. The writing and storyline is what’s important and really that is what decides what is and isn’t included.
I have no problem. Some women just do not. I know several women who did nothing sexual until their mid 20s for a variety of reasons.
I don’t read contempory stories as often as historicals but it really would not matter much to me if the story line explained why and the story was well written and makes sense.
I don’t mind if the heroine is a virgin or not. As long as the storyline is good.
Thanks for another great giveaway.
I think there is a place for virgin heroines in contemporary romance. There many not be that many around as there were in years past. Their stories will be much different than others. They are out there and deserve their stories and HEA just likeeveryone else.
Seriously, I don’t mind if the heroine is a virgin but I think that books don’t have to make pressure on young girls with a heroine which is already sexual experienced, as you said, media already does it !
I think it is unusual for a contemporary woman or man to be a virgin but not unheard of. The trick is that the author has to make me believe that this was a choice that the character made for specific reasons. To me, I don’t think it’s necessary to the story that a character’s sexual history be spelled out exactly. I have enjoyed many stories where there is only vague references to a characters past and that’s not a problem for me since I assume most people who have made it to a certain age have a history and if it is not important to the plot of the story then there is no need to spell out the exact details.
It’s all in the writing…sometimes it’s believable, sometimes it’s not. Though on the opposite end, I hate reading a historical where the single-been-married woman is experienced, I kinda expect them to be virginal.
Oops,
single-NEVER been-married
I’ll go back to my coffee now
I’m not into virgin heroines in contemporaries. It very rarely works for me. I’m not going to say never, because when it’s very well written I can go for it. And I’m also not into the heroine who’s only had 1-2 partners who haven’t satisfied her. The reason is because usually the hero is more experienced and I feel like this brings up a lot of gender stereotypes about sex that I don’t feel belong in a contemporary setting. I know it works for a lot of people, but I don’t like a sexual connenction being used as short hand for someone finding “The One”.
I was almost 32 years old when I got married. I was a virgin on my wedding night and hadn’t learned or tried to pleasure myself, like Wendy P. assumes women of a certain age have done. My best friend is 42 and she is still a virgin. Older women who are virgins still exist so I’m good with them in contemporaries. I’d also love to see virgin heroes.
As for Dahl’s books, read the whole series. Talk Me Down is first and my favorite in the bunch. Lead Me On’s heroine has a very experienced past and does have a huge impact on the storyline.
I think in historical romance books, is more believable if the heroin a virgin compare to heroins in contemporary romance. In fact, I like it when the heroin is experienced sexually in contemporary romance..it makes it very realistic since IMO now days you have women who enjoys sex as =much as any man.
I think it all depends on how it is written. As long as it makes sense for the character I don’t see a problem with it.
Do I want the heroine to be a virgin? Depends on the plot that surrounds her, whether historical or contemporary. Do I think this is more or less common for present day women? We do have the freedom, but I still wonder if men and women view the physical act in the same way; i.e., with the depth of feeling. On the reverse side, I agree with Kelly. Why aren’t there more virgin heroes? Wouldn’t it be nice to read about a man who is ” helpless” under the seduction of the vastly more experienced woman?
It doesn’t really matter, to me , if a woman is a virgin or not. I just don’t like it when the guy is REALLY experienced. Yes, I know practice makes perfect. But the idea of being number 263 (or so) isn’t very appealing.
As long as it’s written so it’s believable I can go with it.